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This month, we’re exploring the theme of listening—because the way we listen shapes how our kids listen to us.
Theme Email
Week 1
Focus: Listening
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Please just listen!
You're not listening to me!
Listen!
I literally got stressed just writing out those phrases, because I can hear them in my bones. Which means you probably can, too.
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Listening is a quintessential topic while having a child, and indeed in any relationship. So, why is it so darn hard?
This month, we are going to explore what listening actually means, what we expect, how we model it, and more. If you've got any childhood trauma about not being heard, go ahead and make an extra therapy appointment now, because this theme is probably going to hit hard.
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Let's start with a philosophy check. Hit reply and tell me if you agree or disagree:
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Listening is not a behavior our kids owe us, it's a relational skill they learn by first being listened to.
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Ultimately, you don't have to agree or disagree with that. But let's use it as a thought experiment throughout the month.
- When do children practice listening?
- When do we practice listening?
- Do we name it when it's happening?
- How do our kids know what listening means, feels like, looks like?
Weekly Challenge:
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This week, we're going to zero in on what we mean when we think about listening - for us, and our kids. Take note of when you make requests or give instructions, and what your expectations around the listening are.
Pay special attention to when your child does the same with you. How do you listen? What are you modeling? Don't change anything yet - just stay observing and noticing!
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As always, please feel free to share as much or as little as you feel inspired to in our WhatsApp Community!
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Week 2
Focus: The Double Standard
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​Now that you've got a foundational idea of what listening means to you in your family, we're going to continue our journey by examining the double standard.
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It's not your fault that this double standard exists - it predates us all. But let's name it clearly, so we can work to dismantle this dragon, one scale at a time.
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We expect our kids to listen to us, without feeling like we owe them the same.
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This hits us all - even those of us who are practiced at emotional intelligence and are committed to treating children well. It's a sneaky double standard that just worms its way into tricky moments and before you know it -- BAM! -- you've shut your kid down.
Weekly Challenge:
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Grab some ice cream and tissues, this might not feel good. 😣
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Your challenge this week is to consider the why. Why does this double standard exist in society, and why (sometimes) in your own home. Where does it stem from? How did it take root? And finally, how might you disentangle it from your values system?
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As always, please feel free to share as much or as little as you feel inspired to in our WhatsApp Community!
Week 3
Focus: Listening as regulation
Recap: You should have a decent idea of what listening means to you (or least what you want it to mean), and you should be at least vaguely aware of the present double standard listening has in society, and in your home.
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Now, I want to talk about the role listening has in regulation strategies. That's the thing that is happening probably the most in your day-to-day, right? Parenting is just one giant lesson in dysregulation!
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If you remember from my Power Struggles webinar, I define a power struggle as a battle of wills between two people who do not feel heard or understood. Well, the good thing about someone who doesn't feel heard or understood is, that can be changed, and pretty quickly!
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Unfortunately, it's gonna be all on you to kick off the Understanding Circle (TM pending 😂). But the good news is, the more you practice it, the easier it gets, and the more you model it to your child, who can then in turn replicate the behavior. Keep in mind, this is very much a "what goes around comes around" situation. When you model the listening, you get to say your piece, too. That's where the learning happens!
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Weekly Challenge:
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So this week, your challenge is to look for opportunities to teach co-regulation by modeling listening. That doesn't mean letting your child steamroll you - this is really about listening to make them feel heard, and you then helping them to listen to you so you feel heard. The goal is co-regulation, not a child who demands to be heard without regard for your feelings in the situation.
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As always, please feel free to share as much or as little as you feel inspired to in our WhatsApp Community!
Week 4
Focus: Modeling & Long-term impact
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In this final week of February, we are going to focus on how we model listening, and the long-term impact we have in doing so.
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I don't know about you, but I can recall the feeling of not being heard or understood by my parents, or worse, knowing I wasn't allowed to be heard. I can remember the deep frustration of having something to say, but not having the words, and freezing up because being mad was disobedient.
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I wonder very often, what would have changed if my parent had said, "Hey kid, take your time. We can find the words together."
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It is this thought that drives me so hard in my work to support kids in their tough moments. This is what I want to give all of you amazing parents who are doing the work day in and day out-- simple tools that really work.
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Weekly Challenge:
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Come up with three practical ways you can model listening in your family. Be specific - what language will you use? What will your body be doing? How will the other people know you are listening? ​
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Consider what long-term impact you want this modeling behavior to have. What do you want it to mean to your kids when they're 15? 30? 45?
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As always, please feel free to share as much or as little as you feel inspired to in our WhatsApp Community!