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3 Phrases I Hate as a Child Behavior Specialist (and what to say instead!)

Writer's picture: Emry KettleEmry Kettle

Updated: Oct 21, 2024


The longer I am in this career, the more I think of myself as a communications specialist! Truly, the words we choose and the way we say them are pivotal to the quality of the relationship we are building with our kiddos. We have to remember at all times that we are interacting with humans who have very few years of experience. If we want them to respond to us or behave a certain way, we need to teach that.


So, let’s explore the 3 phrases I hear the most often, why I hate them with a burning passion, and what to say instead!


Terrible phrase #1: “What’s wrong?”


Variations of this phrase: 

  • What happened?


When I hear it most often: 

  • When a child starts crying/screaming

  • When a child calls out (distressed) to a parent from the other room 

  • When a child runs to a parent for comfort


I get it. It comes from a good place. You want to ask your kid what’s happening and give them a chance to answer. You’re prioritizing giving them a voice, and letting them share in their own words what’s going on inside their brains and bodies. However, they can’t do that yet! Or, even if they can, they might not be able to do it in the moment when something has just happened and triggered a big emotional response. 


Now, when your kiddo is older (6-ish years and up), asking flat out “what’s wrong/what happened” is much more reasonable. Their cognitive skills and emotional regulation skills are much more practiced, and they’ll probably be able to piece together a response.


What to do and say instead:

  • Oh my! I saw that thing happen, that was tough!

  • Oh goodness! Did something happen? I’m here!

  • I’m sorry something happened! I love you!


Just be with your child in their tough moments. Acknowledge that something happened, and then sit back and love your little one. Focusing on being present for your child (rather than trying to fix the problem) will give them the space to find their own way to communicate with you about what is disturbing them.


 

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Terrible phrase #2: “It’s okay.”


Variations of this phrase: 

  • No need to cry.

  • Everything’s fine.


When I hear it most often: 

  • When a child is crying/visibly upset


At best, these phrases are invalidating your child’s feelings. At worst, they’re causing a massive breach of trust and undercutting the relationship you’re trying to build with your child. In my experience, parents use this phrase to try to reassure their child that they are in fact safe and okay, despite whatever damage the inciting event may have had. And now the but: BUT! The damage from the inciting event (e.g. child fell off their bike, or bumped their head, or dropped their ice cream cone) isn’t actually damage! These are super normal adverse experiences. The thing your child actually needs in those moments is to learn how to process their big feelings about the thing that happened. 


I so often see parents who want to help their children “feel better”, but in an effort to make that happen, they end up steamrolling right over their child’s feelings. Get ready, what I’m about to say might hurt:


Your reaction to your child’s discomfort has more to do with your lack of coping strategies than theirs. 


Ouch.


Your child’s tears aren’t traumatic for them, and in fact, it’s the opposite: Crying isn’t the thing that will cause the trauma–crying helps prevent the trauma! Letting the tears flow is a very psychologically healthy way for kids (and adults!) to process those big feelings. Check out these articles for some more info on the benefits of crying: Eight benefits of crying: Why it's good to shed a few tears, 10 Benefits of Crying for Mental Health


What to do and say instead:

  • I see you’ve got some tears! Would you like a tissue or a hug?

  • I’m so sorry that happened. That was sad, wasn’t it?

  • Oh dear! Owie owie!

  • I love you.

  • Of course you feel that way! That was not okay, was it?!


Acknowledge their feelings, without trying to change them. Offer comfort, but don’t force it. Display empathy. Show them you get it and that their feelings are super valid and understandable. Remember, you’ve been there! It’s just been a few years ;) 



Have you said any of these phrases?

  • Yes, and I never really thought about it!

  • Yes, but I didn't like them.

  • Nope, I've been working hard on my communication!


Terrible phrase #3: “Stop it!”


Variations of this phrase: 

  • Knock it off.

  • Cut it out.

  • Quit it.


When I hear it most often: 

  • When a child is doing something that is bothersome

  • When the adult is preoccupied and not giving their full attention to the situation at hand

  • When the adult has already said the “nice” thing 8 times


This one sends shivers down my spine. It seems like a really harmless phrase–I’m just telling my kid to stop, right? What’s so awful about that?


Here’s the thing: when you use this kind of communication, you’re laying another brick in the wall between you and your child. “Stop it!” to young ears means, “what you’re doing is bad, and you are bad.”


I want to be really clear about something: I’m not saying to never say “stop/no”. How you use your Stop and No is what matters. The framework I have relied on over the years is this: 


Stop and No aren’t just words. They’re a part of a larger communication. My tone, my face, and my body are all involved when I say Stop or No. They’re not questions, they’re not suggestions. They are commands. They are boundaries. They are safety measures.


“Stop it” and phrases like it are often placeholders for a fuller conversation that a parent doesn’t know how to have, is too busy to have, or doesn’t want to have. And I’m not judging that, or you! That’s exactly why I’m here: I want to give you options, so you don’t have to rely on these terrible phrases any longer. 


What to do and say instead:

  • Hey bud, can we try something else?

  • This isn’t working. Let’s do a different activity.

  • Pick something else to do. 


Give an alternative to the undesired behavior. Help your kiddo find an activity that meets their needs and doesn’t cause problems.


 

Are you the self-reflective type? These journal prompts are for you!





 

You know what? I’m going to throw in a bonus one. This one really makes my teeth itch!


Terrible phrase #4: “Look at that!”


Variations of this phrase: 

  • Johnny, look! Look!

  • Wow, look! Look, look!


When I hear it most often: 

  • At the zoo, aquarium, circus, etc. Anywhere where interesting things are happening.


My dear parents. I know the animals and the performers and the colors and the whatevers are super duper exciting. And here’s what I can promise you: if your kid is interested, they’re going to look. They’re probably already looking, and you’ve just distracted them by calling attention to yourself! Please feel so free to allow your child to enjoy the activity at their own pace. Here’s some language you can use to be engaging with your child, without putting pressure on them to look at the thing you want them to look at:


What to do and say instead:

  • Wow! I really like looking at this thing.

  • Oh neat! What do you see?

  • That’s so interesting!


Be present with your kiddo and enjoy the activity with them, not for them. Remember that their brains and bodies are working overtime to assimilate new information. Let them digest it in a way that is meaningful and sustainable for them. 


Some final thoughts on the 3 (+1) phrases I hate


The phrases I shared with you here aren't inherently wrong or bad, and you aren't wrong or bad for using them! However, neither are they ideal. If a reasonable improvement can be made, I think it's worth the effort. And as always, you don't have to do this alone. I'm here to help!







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