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Why Your Child Isn’t Following Directions: 4 Simple Truths To Change Your Day-to-Day
- Emry Kettle
- 3 days ago
- 6 min read
Let’s paint the scene: You ask your child to clean up their toys. They ignore you. You ask again, louder. Still no movement. Frustration builds. You’re tired. They’re “just not listening.”
Maybe you’ve said it a hundred times before—shouldn’t they know by now?
Here’s the truth most of us were never told: You can’t expect your child to meet an expectation you haven’t fully taught.
Let’s say it together: I cannot expect something of my child that I haven’t taught them.
And let’s go one step deeper: Even if I’ve taught it, I cannot assume they’ve learned it.
This simple truth can be life-changing once we really absorb it. It’s not a failure on your part—or your child’s. It’s a misalignment of expectations, one that’s totally fixable with the right tools and mindset.
We Can’t Expect What We Haven’t Taught
Children learn through modeling, repetition, and connection. That means if you want a child to follow a routine, complete a task, or show a certain behavior, they need to be taught it clearly and compassionately—probably more than once.
And even if you’ve said the same thing a dozen times? It doesn’t mean they’ve internalized it. That’s not stubbornness or defiance—it’s just how learning works. We don’t expect someone to memorize the alphabet after one song or ride a bike after one push. So why do we expect kids to get dressed, clean up, or wind down for bed without a hitch, every single day?
Here are 4 easy steps to understanding why your child isn't following directions (and what you can do to change your day-to-day!)
You Assume They Already Know How to Follow Directions
One of the most common frustrations I hear from parents is this: “But they do it at daycare! Why won’t they do it at home?”
Here’s what’s happening: Home and school (or daycare) are completely different environments with different rhythms, expectations, and energy. Just because your child participates in clean-up time or puts their shoes on without a fuss in one space doesn’t mean they can automatically transfer that skill to another.
Think of it this way: Do you behave the same at home as you do at work? Probably not. You adapt to each setting. Kids do the same—but with far less experience and way more emotional needs tangled into it.
You Haven't Taught the Skill
Let’s look at three of the most common daily routines that tend to cause tension: cleaning up, getting dressed, and getting ready for bed. If you and your child are stuck in a cycle of resistance or meltdown during these moments, you’re not alone. The solution? Go back to basics and teach. If you’re wondering why your child isn’t following directions in these moments, it’s usually a sign that the skill needs more teaching, not more telling.
Cleaning Up
Just because your child knows how to put blocks in a basket doesn’t mean they know what “clean up” means in your home. So start fresh. Pick a calm moment—not during a power struggle—and show them what the process looks like.
Get on the floor with them. Narrate what you’re doing. Make it collaborative and playful:
“Okay! I see blocks and cars that need to be put away. Where do the blocks go? Yes! In the basket! Let’s do them together... You found two more—amazing! Now let’s do the cars. I’ll get the red one, you get the blue.”
Celebrate progress. Keep it light. Be an active participant, not a supervisor.
Getting Dressed
This one gets overlooked because it feels so basic—but it’s actually complex. Motor skills, sensory sensitivities, timing, and transitions can all make this a frustrating process for your child (and you).
Start by breaking it down:
Lay out clothes together the night before (i.e. eliminate the need for discussion in the mornings when it's hectic).
Narrate the steps and offer choices: “Do you want to put your shirt on first, or pants?” This gives your child clear instructions, but allows them to maintain autonomy.
Practice when there’s no time pressure. On a weekend morning, make it a game. “Let’s get dressed together and see how silly we can look before we fix it!”
It’s not just about teaching the motions—it’s about removing overwhelm and creating connection.
Getting Ready for Bed
Bedtime routines involve multiple steps—and kids often forget or resist certain parts. Teaching the routine doesn’t mean saying “Go get ready for bed!” and expecting it all to happen smoothly (disappointingly!).
Instead, co-create a visual checklist or sing a “getting ready for bed” song. Then walk through the routine with your child until it becomes familiar: “First we pee, then we wash hands... Now we wash our hands, then we brush our teeth... Now we brush our teeth, then we put on our jammies...” Using that model of always thinking ahead teaches your kiddo how to connect-the-dots on their own and learn a system, rather than a single task.
Repeat the routine on calm nights, so your child can rehearse it when stress is low. That’s when the learning really sticks. When you see that your kid is really getting it, now you can have some fun and put them to the test! Try doing something out of order and see if they catch you and correct you! Don't be afraid to have fun and be silly once the core pieces are working and flowing smoothly.
Want more support with routines, clear communication, and building cooperation without battles?
Grab the Parent’s Guide to Surviving Toddlerhood for scripts, strategy, and sanity-saving tools.
You're a Taskmaster, Not an Active Participant
This is one of the biggest shifts we can make. When you’re teaching a new skill or reinforcing an expectation, don’t just instruct—engage. That doesn’t mean doing it for them, but doing it with them.
Children learn best through connection. When you’re down on the floor helping sort toys, brushing your own teeth next to them, or walking through the steps of getting dressed together, you’re sending the message: I’m here. We’re a team. Let’s figure this out.
Also—don’t shy away from bringing fun into the process. “Only two more blocks to go!” or “Let’s race to see who can put on their socks first!” turns a task into something your child wants to join, not avoid. I wouldn't recommend trying to make a game out of every task all the time, but making sure things don't stay dull is a great way to re-engage your child's interest!
You Don't Practice with Your Child
Just like riding a bike or learning to read, these routines require practice. Not once. Not twice. Many, many times. Your child isn’t being difficult because they’re trying to make your life hard—they’re showing you where they’re still learning.
Every time you stay patient, model the routine, and invite them to participate, you’re helping it click into place. Yes, it takes longer up front. But it saves hours of future stress.
Think of it this way: practice isn’t punishment. It’s the path to independence. And here's a massive bonus: You're not just teaching your child how to accomplish basic tasks, you're teaching them to have confidence in themselves, how to trust you, and when and how to ask for help when things get tough.
Final Thoughts: Trust the Process, Trust Your Child!
When we shift from expecting to teaching, we invite more peace into our homes. It keeps us and our kids on the same team, reducing stress, conflict, and ultimately leading to a happier and healthier relationship. This isn’t about lowering the bar—it’s about giving our kids the tools they need to meet it. And when they can meet it, they feel proud. Capable. Connected.
So next time your child resists a routine, take a breath and ask yourself:
Have I really taught this, step by step?
Have we practiced when the pressure was low?
Is there something they need that I might be missing?
You don’t need to be perfect. Just present. Just patient. Just willing to teach again.
And I promise—your child will meet you there.
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