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I’ve never been a fan of the word “tantrum”, and especially not of the phrase “throwing a tantrum”. It’s misleading - children don’t plan to experience emotional upheaval and then wait for the perfect moment to unleash their fury, however much it might seem like it in the moment!
What we commonly refer to as a “tantrum” is what I like to call an outburst - it is the result of pent-up emotions and needs that force their way to the surface and demand to be dealt with!
I hear you, “Ok, Emry, that makes sense. Now what?” Never fear, I’ve got you!
STOP.
No really, just stop and be with your child. Exist. Be the calm in their storm. Let the tears flow and the fists fly (safely, not on anyone’s body). Do not try to fix the problem - “the problem” is no longer the problem, and it was never the only problem. Let the emotions have their space first, and then tackle things together as a team.
What that looks like practically:
Child: “No! I don’t want to! Leave me alone!” (or just some screaming)
Adult: “I hear you. This is tough. I’m here.”
Child. * more screaming *
Adult: “Yep. Tough stuff. I love you.”
So you have the Do’s, here are a few Don'ts:
Don’t compete for air space - your voice should be low, calm, and slow.
Don’t ask them what’s wrong - they probably can’t answer, and anyway we aren’t trying to fix the problem yet, remember??
Don’t tell them it’s fine - it’s not fine right now, but it will be later.
Let things play out, and let your kid surprise you! And don’t forget to give yourselves both some water and a snack afterwards - emotional outbursts are just as physically draining as they are mentally.
My workshop on Fostering Emotional Intelligence covers this topic in-depth, and more. Contact me for a private consultation, or check my website for the next online or in-person workshop!