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Navigating the 5 Stages of Working with a Parent Coach

Writer's picture: Emry KettleEmry Kettle

5 Stages of working with a parent coach. Chaos, exhaustion, hope, traction, plateau

There is no limit to the number of reasons someone might choose to work with a parent coach. Each parent gets to choose what is right for them and ask for support for any part of their journey. Typically, by the time someone is coming to me, it’s because of some pressing behavioral issues that are causing a lot of disruption in the family’s day-to-day life. 


However, there is a pretty predictable pattern that takes place once we begin working together! I’ve discovered this over the course of the last decade, once I began working more intensively with parents rather than just with children. There are 5 distinct stages that parents go through while doing a behavioral overhaul, and they are: Chaos, Exhaustion, Hope, Traction, and Plateau. Though, a case could be made for the stage that’s happening before we begin working together, and I would label that one Overwhelm.



5 Stages of working with a Parent Coach. Chaos, exhaustion, hope, traction, plateau.
Check out my Insta post on this very topic - with visuals!

Stage 0: Overwhelm


Before beginning the coaching journey, many parents often feel overwhelmed. This is the stage when the kids are displaying lots of undesired behaviors, you're probably yelling and getting nowhere. You're exhausted, you're exasperated, and you feel like you're losing control. And it's not just the kids - it's the laundry, the errands, the school pickups and drop-offs, your own professional tasks, making dinner, and cleaning the bathroom. The list just never ends.


Stage 1: Chaos


So by this stage, you've decided, "Okay fine, Emry. Let's do this thing.... Wait, you want me to move from overwhelm into chaos? How is that helpful?" Hear me out!


Overwhelm means there is no structure, no plan, and no help. Chaos is not a very desirable place to be, but you feel it for a reason. It's going to feel like an emotional rollercoaster as you start to get really intimate with your parenting choices. You'll be confronting some intense stuff, while having very few new tools to help you. Things will be chaotic, but this won't last forever.


Real change takes time. The chaos stage can seem insufferable, and it's probably going to feel like everything is getting worse before it gets better. This is actually a really positive sign--this indicates that things are actually happening! Necessary issues are finally being addressed.



Do any of these stages feel familiar?

  • Yes - I feel like I'm reading about my own life!

  • Eh, sort of? Maybe?

  • Nope. I don't know why I'm reading this LOL



Stage 2: Exhaustion


Overwhelm and chaos are naturally going to lead to exhaustion. You're very likely going to feel mentally and physically drained as you make all these new efforts in your parenting journey.


Self-care is critical during this stage. I cannot tell you how many parents I have seen give up during exhaustion, simply because it's too much. I don't judge them. In fact, I have nothing but empathy and compassion for them. The world (specifically western cultures, which is where most of my clients are from) is not set up to support families well at all. Most parents have a huge lack of support, and are trying to accomplish self-care in tiny moments between caregiving, working, and maintaining relationships.


I would suggest to include a few chosen members of your community on this journey with you. Allow them in; share your struggles with them and let them lighten your load. Plan for self care beyond just a cup of coffee in the morning and Netflix at night.


Stage 3: Hope


Not to be too cheesy but this is your Phoenix moment: from the ashes of overwhelm, chaos, and exhaustion, you take the next step on your journey toward HOPE. You will start to see the fruits of your labor here. You set a boundary, and your child accepts it without a meltdown. You plan ahead for a tricky moment, and your child surprises you by moving through it with ease. You begin to notice you're not dreading certain activities, and your energy level is improving.


It's time to celebrate! You must celebrate these victories--however small. You have put in the work, and it's paying off. And not just for you: your child is growing in leaps and bounds right now, too. They're learning emotional regulation techniques that will serve them for the rest of their lives.


Stage 4: Traction


You're family is finally speaking the same language. Sure, behavioral challenges are still present, but you've got tools in your toolbox! You're no longer wanting to run and hide, or yell and scream. You can take a breath and plan an approach to a tricky situation and come through to the other side without losing your cool.


You are seeing real, measurable results as you continue to refine your techniques and strategies. Your family is beginning to establish routines that are aligning with your values, and generally, things are feeling pretty good.


Three words: consistency, consistency, consistency! Now is not the time to back off the gas - all that does is undercut the amazing work you've been putting in. Continue taking breaks as necessary, but I would encourage you to really enjoy this stage!


 

How confident are you with setting boundaries? Do you know the differences between boundaries, preferences, and rules? Grab my script on Setting Boundaries for €9 and get dozens of go-to phrases for setting boundaries in a loving way!


Setting Boundaries: how to use firm, loving language to teach boundaries with your children.


 

Stage 5: Plateau


Finally, we arrive at the plateau stage. This doesn't mean the journey has stopped; rather, it represents a time for reflection, rest, and planning ahead. Don't forget - the stages aren't perfectly linear! You might end up back in chaos before you know it! But if you do, now you'll know what to expect, and you'll be ready.


Ever heard the phrase, “all good things must come to an end”? This stage might feel kind of like that. You might notice that you seem to be in a kind of holding pattern. Nothing is really changing - things might feel like they're repeating on a loop. Maybe you're running into a particular problem over and over again (but it's really just the one), or you might notice that you're lacking a particular tool.


While a plateau may seem uneventful, it’s often when I see things start to fall apart. Just like with traction, your consistency is THE KEY to things staying on track. I would encourage you to use this time to dig in to any lingering tricky behaviors, learn more tools, and refine the ones you have.


Embracing the Journey of Working with a Parent Coach


Listen friends, there is very little I can promise you in this world. But I can promise you that if you work with me, you'll hit all these stages. Recognizing the five stages offers, at the very least, a blueprint for you to have your bearings.


Here's where I get cheesy for a second time and talk about the beauty of this journey. If you've ever worked with me, you know I'm a crier, and I never cry more than when I'm with a family who discovers the peace and success that comes from putting in the work to learn warm, loving, and clear communication frameworks that get their whole family on the same page. Seeing you and your kids succeed is the best experience a parent coach could wish for!


What's the Next Step?


How does one get started on this journey? With a very simple step: book a coffee chat with me, and let's see what makes sense for your family.




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