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Setting the Stage for Inclusivity: How Early Childhood Influences Tweens and Teens

Writer's picture: Emry KettleEmry Kettle

Inclusivity has become something of a buzz word as of late. We understand the general meaning to be “accepting others as they are” and “don’t discriminate”. But is that enough? And if we teach “accept others, don’t discriminate” to our kids, will they feel safe to explore their identity in a visible way and/or to come out to us (or invite us into their world)? LGBTQIA+ (*see explanation below) parent coach Maarit Grönroos and child behavior specialist Emry Kettle discuss this, and provide the answers. 


Inclusive pride flags

The groundwork laid during early childhood profoundly influences the emotional development and identity exploration of tweens and teens. By consciously deciding on values, fostering emotional regulation, and engaging in open discussions, parents can create an environment that nurtures inclusivity and support. This framework not only strengthens relationships but also empowers adolescents to explore their identities confidently and safely - and hey, maybe even with some pride! 


THE IMPORTANCE OF VALUES IN EARLY CHILDHOOD


Parents play a pivotal role in shaping their children's understanding of the world, and what they do during early childhood sets the foundational tone for later development. The kind of relationship parents want to have with their child (queer or not), and the messages they want to send their children about LGBTQIA+ people, should be the driving force behind their interactions. Remember, the language you use significantly shapes your child's perceptions about others and themselves. 


For parents who want to foster a relationship full of love and understanding (and laying the groundwork for a safe coming-out), it’s essential to explicitly decide their values and put them into active practice in their home. Passively acknowledging that LGBTQIA+  folks exist is not enough for a queer child to feel safe and accepted by their parents, or to teach them to accept others. Clarity is key! 


Because language is such a visible part of human behavior, it’s one of our most powerful tools. In the absence of clear language, our kiddos will fill in the gaps with whatever knowledge they have available to them. Using what they know of you and what they know from society they will put together their best guess for your feelings about a topic. Unfortunately, society at large demonstrates an intolerance for LGBTQIA+ people, ultimately swaying your neutral message to a negative one. 


Kids are masters of behavior observation. By embracing diversity in a visible way, we can make it very clear how much we love, accept, and even celebrate the unique identities of our little ones.


PARENT VALUES AND BELIEFS


Consider the deeper messages you want to convey about all LGBTQIA+ individuals. Reflect on your own beliefs and experiences. We’ve put together a few questions you can use to help you get started on this reflective journey: 


  • Where do your beliefs about LGBTQIA+ people come from? (e.g. Upbringing, school, church, media?)

  • Have you had unique adverse experiences that tainted your opinion of others in the LGBTQIA+ community? 

  • How many queer people do you and your child come into regular contact with? How many non-queer? 

  • Are there people in your everyday life who express anti-LGBTQIA+ beliefs?

  • Are you comfortable discussing things like sexual orientation and gender with your child? Do you know enough about these topics to do so competently?


Did you discover something new about your social circles or past beliefs? It's quite common that if we don't pursue making friends with people from various backgrounds and identities, that we end up spending a hefty amount of time with people who are very similar to us. If you noticed this for yourself, we urge you to seek out LGBTQIA+ voices and learn from their growing-up stories. Understanding how their parents' behaviors impacted their adolescence and adulthood can provide valuable insights. 


As you define your own values, think about how to create a home environment that reflects those principles. How will you expose your child to the diverse tapestry of humanity? We’ve compiled some ideas to get you started!


  • Books and films discussing LGBTQIA+ topics are available (please check if the authors are queer!) for every age range. 

  • Check if your local library offers a Drag Story Hour

  • Attend your local Pride events

  • Follow queer content creators

  • Visit and support your local queer-owned businesses and queer artists


Above all, building trust with your child is crucial. Even if your values are uncertain or initially exclude LGBTQIA+ perspectives, if your love and commitment to support your child are your priority, you will eventually find your way. Establishing an environment of trust will encourage open conversations and exploration. And don't leave it there! Let these be the beginnings of rich discussions with your child about their thoughts about those books, films, events and artwork. Sharing these experiences and then processing them together is a deeply meaningful way to express LGBTQIA+ acceptance that your kid will notice. Even if you are not fully aligned with everything that the LGBTQIA+ community has to offer, these suggestions will help you build an atmosphere of open communication with your kid. 


As long as you remember to honor and give room to differing viewpoints and diverse identities you're also letting your child or teen know that you hold the same space for their diverse views and identities, too. Space to explore, try, express, and be curious about themselves.



Do you have different values and beliefs than your parents?

  • Some here and there, but nothing major

  • Extremely different

  • Nope, none at all! Exactly the same!



RESILIENCE AND EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE


Why is it so important to support your queer or exploring kid or teen? Here’s where the conversation gets a bit intense: the risks of not appropriately supporting a queer child are dire. LGBTQIA+ teens are significantly more likely to think about and attempt harming themselves than their non-queer peers. Studies have conclusively proven that this is due to the mistreatment of queer folks in society, not due to being queer itself. More information can be found at: Facts About Suicide Among LGBTQ+ Young People.


Parents, please know how much power you have to help your child feel loved and accepted! And you don’t have to do it alone. We are here to help!


Besides creating a home environment that actively accepts LGBTQIA+ folks, you can help instill resilience in your child. Resilience is key to overcoming adversity and maintaining good mental health. 


Cultivating emotional intelligence is one of the most effective ways to build resilience. Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, understand, and process your emotions safely, and use these skills to relate to the people around you. Emotions carry important messages that should be approached with curiosity and openness. We recommend practicing various techniques for emotional regulation (aka coping strategies) in front of and with your child. When parents are ill-equipped to manage their own emotions, they are less likely to be able to pass on sound coping strategies to their children.  


When parents are at peace with their emotions – able to experience the broad range of feelings without going over the edge – this is something that their children will notice. Passing on healthy emotional regulation and self-soothing strategies is a precious gift parents and guardians can give to their children.


EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN THE HOME


How do you approach emotions in your home? Here are some more questions to guide your self-reflection:


  • Are all feelings considered important in your household, or are some dismissed as negative or even unnecessary? 

  • How do you model processing big emotions?

  • How do you react when your child has an outburst?


It’s only human to recognize that some emotions are more welcome than others. 

If a child's upbringing was dismissive of emotional co-regulation, challenges will almost certainly emerge later. The unwelcome emotions and behaviors we unknowingly dismissed during their childhood will resurface during the teen years. And that's not only okay, but wonderful! The teenage years are a sort of "2nd chance" at building that emotional regulation and emotional intelligence. Humans possess infinite ability to learn and adapt. It is never too late to begin learning new strategies, especially together. Creating and learning these strategies together strengthens both of your resilience, and your relationship. 



 

Have you gotten my free workbook yet? This will help you discover the areas of communication that aren't working for you and choose your parenting goals.


How Do You Parent Workbook



 

THE ROLE OF RESILIENCE FOR LGBTQIA+ TEENS


You can think of resilience as an umbrella that protects your teen from the stormy raindrops of life. With minority identities that resilience is especially needed for defense against bullying, exclusion, oppression, discrimination and many sorts of threats or direct violence. 


The teenage years are a phase in life when your teen is probably very invested in exploring their own self and their identity. As they should, when so much is going on in their development. Being curious about oneself and learning about oneself is a firm basis for self-acceptance and also resilience. There are usually many people in a teen’s life who want to have a say in what they should be. Think about the pressure from school, media representation, peer pressure, expectations from family, relatives, friends, maybe the church or other important community. It is no wonder that teens are usually occupied with questions like ”Who am I?” and ”What should I do in my life?” These are the pressures from the outside, from the outer world and the social environment. 


Resilience is needed to oppose these sometimes strong voices from the outside and to help the teen to trust their own inner voice. Resilience is what helps your teen keep their own self-worth, no matter what the outer world is saying or oftentimes shouting to them. Being in a minority, it is about withstanding and resisting the harmful voices based on prejudice and bias about LGBTQIA+ people. It is no wonder that many exploring or LGBTQIA+ folks find the very best and resilient support within the LGBTQIA+ community. 


There’s also pressure from the inside. A body that’s entering puberty is incredibly busy literally building itself from the inside out. Part of that (as we all know from our own experiences) involves a lot of hormone changes! This can and usually is even more demanding on tweens and teens that are curious or questioning their gender. The bodily changes that are happening may feel even the total opposite of what your teen would have wanted to happen. 


As hair grows, acne comes, and the body shapes into new kinds of forms, your teen will also need resilience to cope with these bodily changes. Being familiar with one’s own body and its abilities and disabilities is the basis for this kind of resilience. Think about how joyful and proud your child was when they learned a new skill in early childhood. Remember when they would climb the jungle gym and shout, “Look at me!” or do a silly dance and show it off all the while beaming? This freedom of expression is crucially important for a changing teen whose body looks or feels not only unpleasant, but like it’s not yet their own. Shifting the focus to what the body can do and how it can create meaningful or pleasurable experiences is one important way of strengthening that resilience. 


In addition to bodily changes there’s also some massive action happening in the brain. The teenage brain is naturally drawn towards black-and-white thinking, taking more risks, making impulsive decisions and having big emotions. Emotional regulation skills are the key tools with which to navigate through all of these growing pains. Parents: maintaining your own emotional regulation skills is vital! Your teen will start to question the values they were brought up with, and this might feel triggering. Think of this as a cornerstone for independence; they are making up their own minds and defending their own standpoints. Trusting their own opinions and also making their own choices and mistakes and handling the responsibility that comes with these decisions is something that will protect them a long way into the future. Rather being open to other people’s opinions and staying true to yourself. 


PARENTAL SELF-REFLECTION AND GROWTH


As teens begin to express their own values and identities, parents can often feel conflicted about their own upbringing and values. The way we were brought up was a product of our parents’ times, and their upbringing was a product of their parents’ times, and so on. Each generation ushers in a new wave of understanding and growth. Staying rigid in our belief systems while everything around us changes will only cause conflict and create division between you and your child. We need to grow with them.


We suggest doing this by reading autobiographies of queer folks. Many of them have similar stories regarding their decision to come out to their family and community. The political climate and religion have long had an acute impact on not only the internal feelings of LGBTQIA+ folks but their physical safety. 


As you read these real stories written by real people, we urge you to reflect on the political powers at play, the roles of the church, school, and community, and what the person says about their immediate family. Here are some guiding questions we think are important as you do your reflection:


Guiding Questions

  • Was this person’s school a place of support or harm? A mix of both?

  • Where did the people in this person’s community get their values from? What were the values?

  • Are  you living with values of your own choosing that you are happy with, or have you been parenting with someone else’s values? 


EMBRACING CHANGE AND MOVING FORWARD


Watching your child grow into a teenager might not be an easy process. Welcoming their unique self-expression and identity journey as they progress towards young adulthood can bring up a lot of your own past hurts. We encourage you to keep the paths of communication with your teen – and if possible your own parents – as open as possible. And most importantly, don’t forget: you don’t have to do this alone. 


Coaches like Maarit and Emry have years of experience working with children, teens, and families going through the transition processes that you might be facing right now. We can help you identify your goals and tailor a plan to work towards them at your own pace. Let us put our expertise to work for you, and support you to create a happy, thriving family that you can be proud of! 


"*" ​​LGBTQIA+ is an acronym that refers to lesbian, gay, bi, trans(gender), queer/questioning, intersex, asexual, agender.

"+" is used to hold space for the ever expanding ways to identify gender and sexual orientation.


 

Maarit standing in a blue shirt

Maarit Grönroos, LGBTQIA+ coach


Maarit is an LGBTQIA+ coach with a strong clinical background as a psychologist, psychotherapist and GSRD (gender, sexual and relationship diversity) therapist. She focuses especially on empowering parents in supporting their LGBTQIA+ or questioning teens. Maarit offers coaching and shares relevant information for parents. Get to know Maarit’s work better here or even book a free intro call to get some tips for your situation.


Emry standing in a white dress wearing a straw hat

Emry Kettle, B. ECDev 


Emry is a child behavior specialist who has spent their career focusing on communication issues and neurodivergence. Their goal is to use evidence-based practices to empower parents to make informed choices about their parenting style so they can create loving environments and happy healthy families. Emry offers group and individual coaching sessions, on-demand resources, and workshops.

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