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Why You Should Stop Giving Your Child Instructions

Writer's picture: Emry KettleEmry Kettle

Updated: Oct 1, 2024


Have you ever heard the phrase, "You say it best, when you say nothing at all"? It's not just a great song (listen here!), but a great reminder. 


Kids spend their days receiving a plethora of input from adults: wake up, get dressed, shoes on, stop that, please eat your veggies, go to the toilet, don’t hit your sister, brush your teeth, go to bed - and that’s not even including anything they might hear from teachers or peers. It is easy to fall into a routine of giving constant instructions, but that constant "me vs. you" creates a power struggle environment.


The glass is half-full?


Imagine an empty cup, and a pitcher full of water next to it. Now fill the cup ⅓ full of water. This represents the baseline amount of “busy” that your child experiences just by being a child. It is so important to remember that all day, every day, your child’s brain and body are undergoing constant change. They are actively converting experiences into neural pathways and calories into flesh and bone! 


Now, for every instruction or command you give, pour a little more water in.


That cup is getting pretty full, pretty fast.


Add some more water for every frustration your child experiences (which is not a bad thing by itself!).


Is the cup overflowing yet? Is your cup overflowing from trying to manage your kid's cup?


Don't worry. I got you! Here's what you're going to do about it...


🛑Stop giving your child instructions🛑


I know how that sounds. But stay with me.


I don't mean that you should never give your child instructions, but I do mean that you should evaluate whether or not it's necessary in that moment. In my experience, I would say that parents give instructions about 70% more often than they need to. That's not a small number!


Imagine if you stopped giving all those instructions: What would happen? Even I can't say for sure, but here's what I think is likely to happen, and what I have seen happen time and time again over the years in my work:


  • Your child will be less frustrated with you

  • You will be less frustrated with your child

  • You will be less exhausted

  • Your child will be more likely to listen to the instructions you do give

  • Less frustration from parent & child = more good feelings


Does that kind of outcome sound good to you? If so, keep reading because I am about to give you three practical tips to make it happen and STOP giving your child instructions!



How many instructions do you give your child per day? Add your vote 👇

  • 10 or less - the child is raising itself

  • Maybe something like 20-ish?

  • I get depressed when I think about it



The three keys to help you stop giving instructions to your child


Without further ado:


Key #1: When you feel the urge to give an instruction, DON’T. 


This goes for anything from, "Dinner is ready" to "stop climbing on the couch". Give your kiddo a minute to see if they can figure it out by themselves. Give them space to explore the possibilities and let them surprise you! I cannot tell you how many times I have been modeling this behavior to parents, only to have them be completely floored by what their child did when they finally held that space and kept quiet. Parents are often pretty good at predicting their child's behavior, but kids have the edge here. We've got to give them room to grow and show us what they're capable of.


There's a really popular phrase that I see pop up on Instagram from time to time that says, "don't steal their struggle." I really love this. If you find that most of your instructions are given when your child is in the middle of figuring something out, I would really urge you to wait.


 

Struggling with waiting and letting your child try the hard thing?

Explore why with my 20 journal prompts 👇




 


Key #2: Count to ten in your head


One Mississippi, two Mississippi… Yep. Just like that. Don’t forget to breathe while you do!


Story time: I will never forget my first day on the job working in a school with cognitively disabled young adults. I was very eager to prove my worth and immediately began working with students, engaging them in discussion through asking them questions and giving them prompts. The head teacher observed me for a bit, then pulled me aside and said, "You need to wait and give them a chance to respond! Count to 10 in your head, slowly!"


I put my new shiny tip into practice immediately, and what do you know?! Suddenly, students were answering me and showing me what they were capable of! I was building trust and relationship with them, rather than steamrolling them. It's one of my most favorite things I've ever learned, and it has genuinely had a large impact on my life.


At the end of the day, we never know what's happening in someone else's brain and body. Maybe they didn't hear us, or they were actively thinking about or focusing on something else, or they just needed a bit more processing time. Whatever the reason, it's probably not anything to do with us. So let's keep it that way!


Key #3: Reframe your instruction as a question


To be clear, I don't mean that every single instruction should become a question. But I am advocating for you to aim to shift maybe 50% of the instructions you are still giving after you've used keys 1 & 2.


Here’s what that looks like:


“Go put your shoes on.” ➡️ “It’s almost time to go–what do you need to do to be ready to go?”


“Brush your teeth.” ➡️ “It’s almost time for bed–what do you need to do to be ready for bed?”


“Stop that!” ➡️ “Hmm… Is that safe for your body?”


“Finish your dinner.” ➡️ “Is your tummy full?”


When it's not an urgent safety concern, when time is a bit flexible, this question tool is amazing. It puts you and your child on the same team. Rather than you giving a command at them, you're now supporting them to problem solve their own issues. You're showing them that you know they can be independent and trustworthy. This is really relationship building stuff!


If you are spending most of your available quality time with your child putting more water into their cup, or even overflowing it, they're not going to walk away from that time feeling good about the interaction. And in my experience, the parents don't feel good about it, either. I want you to use these 3 keys because I want you to have an amazing relationship with your child. I want them to feel so safe with you, and I want you to feel like you can trust them to make great choices. But they can't build that trust with you, if you don't let them. We need to get out of their way by stopping, waiting, and asking before we use an old tool like telling them what to do.


So the next time you look at your child and think, I need to give them this reminder or that instruction, I hope you feel empowered to say nothing at all!


And please, don't leave without my FREE workbook! Get it here 👇




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